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Saturday, November 15, 2003

Euroview 

Now that I have escaped from the barrel and dispensed with Vulf the Republican like the Wicked Witch of the North, I am using my newfound freedom to see what the rest of the world still thinks of America. This week, I'll be reporting to the Bite from Europe, as we get to see the effects of the Texecutioner and the White Whale on our oldest friendships. This week, I am EuroVulf.

Just remember, the following misconceptions about Europe need to be cleaned up right away:

1. "Drano" is not Spanish for "drain". In fact, when the pipes are clogged in Spain, they reach for a plunger first.
2. A bunch of people from Moscow are NOT called Moscattle.
3. If you must use a pay public toilet after your friend from Munich, it is best not to accuse him of "German up the place".
--and most importantly--
4. Most European languages do not even have a letter for "W", let alone an explanation.

Beavers 

From the other article Vulf the Repub sent:

"Beavers are a valuable source of education for our young people,” said Tom Seaton, a Fish and Game biologist. “Their carcasses can used in many ways — for food, for warm garments. Almost everything about beavers is good except when they flood your yard or knock down live trees.”

In other words - everything about DEAD beavers is good. What is bad about them is that they are ALIVE when they are growing their pelts. Couldn't they just help out the Game and Fish by committing suicide once their pelts become commercially viable?

My response: "Almost everything about humans is good except when they move into a beaver's neighborhood and trap it."

wilk

Friday, November 14, 2003

VULF THE REPUBLICAN: MY LAST BLOG! 

V the R: It seems Vulf the Open-Minded is about to escape from his barrel, so I'd best beat a hasty retreat. It's been fun, it's been real, but it hasn't been real fun. So long, Liberal losers!

V the O-M: Not so fast, you don't get away Scot-free.

V the R: What are you going to do, hit me? Ha ha, you're a non-violent little pansy.

V the O-M: There are no WMDs.

V the R: What? Don't say that!

V the O-M: There is no Al Qaeda/Saddam link!

V the R: I'm not listening!

V the O-M: There is no cogent Iraq Reconstruction plan.

V the R: Agh! Stop it! Stop it!

V the O-M: We have become an occupying force, and the casualties will continue!

V the R: No more! No more!

V the O-M: We're all fed up, and W will be a single-termer like his Dad!

V the R: I'm melting! I'm melting! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...


van Winkel 

Reading the Denver Post posts sent by that Repub guy makes me realize that the next time I come back to the States I will feel like Rip Van Winkel.

But after that, I will go out and buy a gun and lure mine enemies onto my porch for summary execution.

- wilk

Thursday, November 13, 2003

VULF THE REPUBLICAN: GRRRRRRRL SCOUTS 

I overheard Faolin talking to Vulf about this one while she is sneaking him food and water through the widening gap between the slats in his barrel. It's a nature story to warm my heart (Girl Scouts in Alaska trap and skin Beavers), and of course the Liberal media has a field day with the double entendres this one might bring.

But, as a staunch member of NRA and a man proud of the "Make my Day" law, which recently had huge benefits for one of my gun-toting friends up north (What a beautiful story...I can't wait to shoot my first trick-or-treater next year!), I can only say, HEY, you worthless Liberal mamby-pamby, tree hugging, spotted-owl kissing wimps, let them Grrrrrrl Scouts shoot their way to happiness and SAFETY in Alaska. It's a state filled with escaped cons anyway, who wouldn't be there if the Texecutioner had done away with more of them. And don't think the Al Qaeda isn't thinking of using Nome as their next 9/11...you can NEVER be too careful. Bush should issue another Orange alert just to keep us paranoid and happy.

Oh, but gotta go...my doorbell's ringing! Where's my gun, I'm gonna shoot me a neighbor, er, Beaver.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

VULF THE REPUBLICAN: STOP MAKING SENSE 

Hi, again, Liberal losers. Your pal Vulf the Open-Minded is slowly chiseling away at the confines of his barrel, so it looks like he'll be out in a week's time as he promised. But, then, that's the thing with you open-minded suckers, isn't it? You always keep your promises.

And that's why you lose.

On my end of the spectrum, lying is indistinguishable from normal conversation. So, when Lobo notes that (a) Martha Stewart's early stock sale will result in several dozen people having to refrain from dessert for a month, while (b) Kenneth Lay PURPOSELY bankrupted the retirement funds of tens of thousands and reduced their holders to penury until they die, and is walking free--Lobo is MAKING SENSE. But that is no way to beat the Lowest Common Denominator.

After all, Ken's one of our boys, we don't go after him. Martha, hell, she's a three-ring circus in the making! Here's what we'll do during any talk show that is Fair and Balanced:

Republican: "Well, you can see we were really strict with Martha's sentence, and she didn't really do anything that bad--just followed the advice of her broker when she probably should've known better, SO JUST IMAGINE WHAT WE'RE DOING TO THE KENNETH LAYS OF THE WORLD!"

Democrat: Um, actually, you're doing nothing. Ken and all the rest...from World Com, Global Crossing, Tyco, Qwest, they're all Scot-free.

Republican: You're insane. They did so much more than Martha. We're all about justice. Your shirt is dirty, too, and you need a shower. Oh, and shutup.

Democrat: Don't try to change the subject. No action has been taken against the CEO's of any of those Lying Liar companies.

Republican: You're the one changing the subject. Why isn't your shirt cleaner? Do you have something to hide? Have you cleared yourself on that pedophilia charge?

Democrat: There's no pedophilia charge against me!

Republican: Hey, buddy, congrats on beating the rap...

Democrat: What? That's insane! I...

Moderator: Folks, we're out of time on today's show...

Here's what the audience thinks afterwards:

55% think the CEOs of all those companies got it "way worse" than Martha Stewart
23% think Martha Stewart must have been a babe back in the 60's
14% think their Victoria Secret "see-through slenders" edition might show up by the weekend
8% think the jackass Republican redirected the interview into preposterous asininity

We'll take the 55% plus half of the 37% any day. So, go ahead, you lame-brained Liberals, you just keep going on making sense. We, the RIGHT, don't have to. With name calling and diversion, we get people's emotions (and the BASER ones at that) to confuse them in the facts.

And we win. Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Science Book 

See, I always knew that this Wyomingite's instinctive disdain for Texas was well-founded. As PJ ORourke once said (a conservative - but about something else): "what the fuck! I mean what the fucking fuck!"

Can't we excise that cancer that is Texas? Reporting well-documented, scientific facts is now treasonous? Religious are they? Bullshit! Look at one really religious dude has to say about the environment. Other religious "wackos" agree.

That this kind of censorship is bad is so obvious it is not worth discussing. That censorship based on perceived patriotism is extremely dangerous is something about which we are constantly reminded. And what about the housing claim - that they did not want reference to the damages of housing on the environment because of all the jobs involved? Well, fine. Why not also object to any criticism of Clinton in any textbooks (diddlin' interns, what interns?) because think about all of those jobs at stake if he loses the lucrative speech junket. All that support staff in soup kitchen lines!

Dear Lord, please save us from the tyranny of Texas!

On the other hand - maybe those people are right. Why should we conserve fossil fuels? What are we saving them for? Let's use them up as fast as possible so we can move on to alternative sources. I'm sure the Oncelers in Texas can invent ways to burn up fossil fuels quickly and patriotically.

- Wilk

Baba Wawa interview with Martha Stewart 

OK, I admit the interview happened several days ago...but I've been BUSY.

For those of you who missed the interview, Barbara Walters basically spent an hour trying to make Martha Stewart cry. "Martha, why does everybody hate you?" "Martha, your divorce must have had a crushing effect, how did it make you feel?" "Martha, your linen folding really sucks ass"...

Can anyone image Barbara Walters interviewing Kenneth Lay or one of those other corporate scumbags and trying to make them cry? Of course not, there would have to be the assumption that they had some kind of conscience.

Martha Stewart is certainly not in the same category as those big time corporate swindlers. Her problem (and for a long time her success) is based on the fact that she is both a successful business person and also a celebrity. As a celebrity she signed a pre-nup with the entertainment industry which indicated that if she screwed up, late-night show hosts had the right to bash her until people stop laughing. I particularly like the magazine cover of a nicely decorated prison cell.

Martha Stewart has made her living by successfully adding value to her customers. She helps others to make better and much more color-coordinated lives ... and that's a good thing.

---LOBO

VULF THE REPUBLICAN: I CAN'T SATIRE WHAT REALITY IN TEX-ASS ALREADY IS... 

Remember me quoting the Bible, "... to be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over nature"? Apparently, my Republican friends have beaten me to it...read (Texas censors books that comment on US's disproportionate use of the World's energy) if you have the stomach.

I stand in awe. Even Vulf the Republican is LIBERAL compared to the real right. It may look like laughter on my face, but all crying spawned of hopelessness does...

Thanks to Faolin for the tip on this one!

-V the R

Monday, November 10, 2003

VULF THE REPUBLICAN: GAYS, LESBIANS, BISEXUALS, TRANNIES AND OTHER MEANIES 

Whatever you say, Lupus the goofus and Wilk-toast. Just because you want me to blog on folks with different sexual orientation doesn't mean I'm going to. As it so turns out, I was planning to anyway, but you didn't make me do it, so there! Plbbbbbt!

Now that I have crushed you with pure reason once more, I will give you an update on what I have done to my evil twin Vulf the Open-Minded. It's funny, I saw this bumper sticker today, it said "Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they're open." To which I say, "Minds are like zippers--they're only publicly acceptable when they're closed!" So close your mind and your mouth. Vulf the Open-Minded, meanwhile, is still breathing inside the barrel I locked him this week. Seems even V the O-M can get riled up if you torture him for long enough. He told me this morning that "[I'm] a bad, bad man." Hah, flattery will get you nowhere, you weak-spined Liberal. Vulf lived in inner city cores growing up, coasting through life, while I have had the responsibility of monitoring a Trust fund ever since I was six. I've never been able to just relax, I've always had to worry about how much my net worth was, and in comparison to my friends', too. V the O-M, you just don't know what struggle is about. Well, except for struggling to get those slats loose, I guess I'm educating you this week.

Speaking of which, we come to GLBT folks. Now, I know Vulf has PLENTY of GLBT friends, and it gives me the creeps just to think about it. Actually, it gives me the creeps just to think, period. That's why I love TV. But I digress. The Bible says all kinds of things about GLBT. Let's look at Sodom and Gomorrah, from which "sod off!", "sodomy" and in an ironic twist of fate "soda pop" (your Dad who likes lads) come. Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed in Genesis by God because of the evil of their ways. Ezekial later tells us why Sodom was destroyed: "This was the sin of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy" (EZ 16:49). See, it's a parable, the sisters had pride because they didn't need men, or, or something. Wonder how they committed Sodomy, then? Hmm, how'd that get in there?

OK, maybe we've ALL been wrong about Sodom, I'm just going on what "W" told me. Maybe "W" shoulda paid more attention in his Bible class, maybe he was too busy playing Tetris to notice. I can't blame him, I only go to Bible class to pick up the Babes. Anyway, BINGO, I found one that is unequivocal: Leviticus 20:13 says, "if a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death." Now, you might say, well, that is fine as long as different, er, places are used for the opposite sexes, but what about Trannies? Uh-huh, uh-huh, gotcha.

And I've got more where that came from. You mention Oral Wakefield, a friend of mine in Havre, and try to question his opinion on this? Don't you know his middle name is Sex? That guy oughta know better than you, Wilk. And besides, he may only have been using the English (as in England, you know, that big country in Asia where all our Italian immigrants came from) term "faggot" which can mean a bundle of sticks or a cigarette. Well, I'm all for keeping cigarettes outta the military myself, but I think it's safe to say that the way the Iraq War is going, that's the best place to put gays if you want to get rid of them. No wonder we're all so proud of "W"...he's cleaning out the military. Did you know that 143.5% of those killed so far in Iraq were gay? I'll bet you didn't.

And don't Pick on the Hick...it's an acronym for Highly Intelligent Country Knight, and is appropriately prefixed with "Sir" to you, Wilk. And I'm proud to be amoral, means I got an "A" in morals, fer sure.

As for Native Americans, let me tell you why they are the bane to us Republicans. Ever notice what the US is really about...look at the US Constitution, Amendment V - Trial and Punishment, Compensation for Takings. Ratified 12/15/1791, for example: "...nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation." It's about property, folks, and as long as there's any NA out there, we might have to think twice about whose property it really is. Why should I worry my beautiful mind about all that--I say, send them all back to India!

Ha, you have been crushed again by the overwhelming grip of pure reason. And I was FAIR and BALANCED. Vulf the Republican ... out!

V the R 

Wow! You really took a hot steaming dump on my feeble attempts to disparage the W. Golly, I guess us here simple folk in Yurup just don't understand. No how. No way.

Now, let's see how really good you are (or has that body-snatcher returned your husk to is rightful owner and you are back to your normal self?).

Once my brother was interning for Senator Max Backus (sp?) Dem. from Montana and among his duties had to respond to calls from constituents. His job was to catalog callers and what they said but not to speak for the senator. One day he got a call from "Oral Wakefield" from Havre instructing him to tell the Senator to keep "that them there faggots out of the military." (By the way I told this story to one of Patti's friends at the afer-wedding brunch in Denver only later to realise that she was gay and that her partner was with her. Still, the story was meant to commiserate on the hick attitudes of our respective hometowns).

So how 'bout it repub? Gay marriages?

To Lupus - I lived in Minnesota just when Native Americans began opening casinos (incredible justice in that - Native Americans making money off the greed of the the amoral white man. They even started buying up land). It did not take long until there was an uproar for other (non NA) gambling establishments, taxes on the income, etc. etc.

Wilk

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Native Americans: Another Slap in the Face! 

A letter to Eric Alterman reveals that the U.S. Government is not finished jacking around the Native Americans. Sure we slaughtered them, stole their land and cavalierly broke all the treaties we made with them.

We tried to make right by establishing the Indian Trust Fund to repay them for all the indignities suffered at our hand. Except our bookkeeping was a bit lax. A few billion missing, nothing major. Oops!

The Native Americans went to court and the judge ordered the Government to conduct an audit to determine just how much money it (admittedly) owes to individual Native Americans. A reasonable request, one would think.

But pResident Whistleass F*%$head(My anger comes out when Bush takes it out on the most vulnerable in society.) :

slipped in a rider to a bill which prohibits Interior from doing this for up to a year. To imagine how heinous this is, imagine if Congress sent a bill to Ike saying “we want you to ban the Justice Department from enforcing the ruling in Brown v. Board of Education.” And it’s probably unconstitutional.

It gets worse. You see, the appropriations committee tried something like this before but once the committee on Native affairs caught wind it was dropped. So this time the appropriations committee sprung it during the house-senate reconciliation for....the bill to increase funds to fight the fires raging in California! Congress was forced to pick between delaying those funds or swallowing the rider (giving cover to many who voted for it, though it was a close vote in the House anyway).


This last line says it all.

As John McCain and Tom Daschele said, if it was any minority but Native Americans this would never have happened.

-Lupus ABB 'til the end

Hang in there Wilk 

Vulf the Republican is out of control. Thank goodness we have to deal with only a week of this. I am kind of concerned. Will Vulf burn fry his brain on Republicanism? It's just like speed. It makes you think you are going places, but after the rush you realize you are mentally, physically and financially a burned out husk.

-Lupus

VULF THE REPUBLICAN: DEFENDING "W" 

Since my mind has been taken over by the Republicans for one week, I must defend my main man, "W", from any abuses, esp. those of Wilk, who challenges Vulf the Republican on "W"s record on the environment, the marital status of my parents when I was born, and of course the cretinous and derriere-tet-ted nature of my main man, "W".

The Republican's record on the environment is 100% perfect. Let me quote from the rules laid down by my boss, the great God Himself. "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." Perhaps you Liberal morons need to look up in the dictionary what "subdue" and "dominion" means. Besides, the Bible PROVES that the earth is only 6,000 years old. So, where did all that oil come from, if the earth is only 6,000 years old? Hmmm. Don't really think we can run out, then, do you, since it must be produced pretty quickly. Why is the oil in the Middle East? Because that is where Eden was. But now only the serpent lives there, and so my CRUSADE is to take over Eden again for the Just. We will cast off the serpent again, cast off all knowledge, and return to the state of ignorant sheepishness that God intended. If that irrefutable logic doesn't convince you, then perhaps you should read further about Noah and how all the people except for the Just--who were the ones with a boatload, by the way--were killed by God. Let's try 9 Genesis 20: "Noah was the first tiller of the soil. He planted a vineyard; and he drank of the wine, and became drunk, and lay uncovered in his tent." Whoops! How'd that get in there?

Never mind. I've obviously proven that the Republican record on the environment is in perfect keeping with the dictates of God and nature. Subdue, dominion, exploit to our advantage. Those with a boatload are the chosen of God. I think I've blown away your stupid blog's hapless, helpless, hopeless comments on the disparity between rich and poor now, to boot. Two with one stone!

OK, I have to admit I don't remember being conceived, but I do know that after the moment it happened I was a human being, and therefore sacred and fruitfully multiplying. Were my parents married, or am I really a fastard as Wilk (who apparently can't spell) says I was. God's--and by happy coincidence, my--answer to this is, "it doesn't matter--thou shalt not kill!".

Unless of course you are faithless. Let me quote from Chronicles 11:13-14: "[Saul] was unfaithful to the LORD in that he did not keep the command of the LORD, and also consulted a medium, seeking guidance, and did not seek guidance from the LORD. Therefore the LORD slew him, and turned the kingdom over to David." If you kill a fetus, the LORD will slew you. Murder is forbidden, so if you kill a fetus you should be eliminated. And I don't think you need any help realizing Saul is the Democratic Party, the medium is your frontal cerebral lobe, and David is "W". It's all there in black and white.

I think my logic above was impeccable, and now we can put that whole bastard issue to rest. What's left? Oh yeah, that part about "W" being cretinous and a butthead. Okay, on the latter one I can give some ground, because even Cheney and I have remarked that sometimes feces comes out of "W"'s mouth, but again consult your dictionary--cretinous implies "a disease marked by decreased activity of the thyroid gland in adults, and marked by dry skin, swellings around the lips and nose, mental deterioration and a subnormal basal metabolic rate." OK, Wilk, I see where you got the thyroid, but you're dead wrong AGAIN...keep in mind "W"'s parents actually had Grave's disease, which also impacts the thyroid, but INCREASES the basal metabolic rate. Besides, the dry skin and swellings you see on "W" are from alcoholism, and the mental deterioration implies "W" was once more intelligent than he is now. I defy you to find he was ever mentally active!

Ha, proved you wrong again, you half-witted haploid of a Liberal!

-V the R

Wilk returns (sort of) 

Greetings again. I have been away to Ukraine and other cool, happenin' places. With limited inet access, I have not been able to contribute.

Yes, Poland has been touched by the Iraqui war. Also people here are waiting for some kind of attack after bin Fuqwad placed us on the list of "ripe for attack." About 1 month ago, they picked up a known terrorist who landed at the Krakow airport. I don't mind Poland falling into step with the US, but does it have to be with the current president? It's like defending freedom of speech for Too Live Crew instead of something more worthy (remember that?).

I want to hear Vulf the Republican's - the bucking fastard - justification for the conservative record on the environment. And V the R is wrong about Iraqui oil. It's really about showing the world that Bush is a true American Badass who takes no mierda from no one no how. "Bring em on..." How more cretinous can you get? What a butthead!

- Wilk

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